Some things are easier to admit than others. We all have issues (some of us more than others… (I’m probably one of those “some of us”)) but admitting them isn’t easy…
We started our journey in Thailand nearly 5 years ago when Sara and I came to Thailand as college students looking for a 6 month internship overseas. It was that several month experience that broke our hearts for the people of Thailand. We’ve never been the same since. From that point on everything that we did was pushing us toward the goal of getting back to Thailand. We were young in our marriage? Fine, we spent three years in counseling and preparing ourselves for life together overseas. We were inexperienced in ministry? No problem, we invested nearly 3 years (which in reflection isn’t all that much as a 27 year old) as pastors at our home church back home. We grew a ton and learned a lot about ourselves and working with people in ministry. We had a mountain of debt to pay off for our collective 8 years of private, Christian higher education? Fine. We’ll wait and pray for that to come together also…
All of these things helped prepare us for our lives here in Thailand this past year and a half, yet all of the sudden we find ourselves running on empty. The daily grind of life in a new culture, language and being so far removed from all of those whom we love and miss has gotten to us. Now, we’ve studied the books, had classes specifically devoted to burnout as part of our 4 year degrees in Missions from Huntington University and are aware of the warning signs of burnout; yet it still found us.
The stress we experience here in Thailand isn’t anything so acute that we can’t stand it. We still tackle each day as it comes. It’s more of a dull stress that accumulates over time. The feelings of inadequacy, frustrations in language learning, and general sense of being lonely eventually gets to you… …no matter how much you’ve read or prepared.
Which brings us to now. Some time ago everything that I did came out of a deep passion for doing that thing, but lately I feel like I’m operating from a place of emptiness. Where did that passion go? Where’s that thing that when all else fails, pushes me to keep doing what I am doing?
These are questions that I’ve come to understand that nearly every missionary experiences at some point. But I miss it… I miss feeling like I’m accomplishing something. I miss feeling like I’m good at something… I miss that passion I had to do what I am doing…
Hey man. I hear you loud and clear. That has been something I have been struggling with in my personal life as well. I finally feel like i had a break through in the last week. I’ll be praying for you that you will be able to find your passion again…to find a new level of purpose and for you guys just in general with everything you deal with on a daily basis
i think it’s important to note that what you feel IS indeed pretty normal. At the same time you think you’re struggling, you’ve been gaining ground that sets you at a ‘comfortable’ plateau, from which you’ll take the next ‘higher’ step. Sometimes we don’t realize how each ‘plateau’ is higher than the last one, until you stop, turn around and look back at where you came from! You’re on the ‘upward’ trail, just resting a bit on the next plateau… and we’re all here behind you, loving you onward. (missing you incredibly at the same time, but loving you onward nonetheless)~mom
I just want you to know that I understand your feelings and I am praying for you guys.
Hmm and I thought it was just us singles that felt like that. Thanks for writing it Brook. Somehow God has to be sufficient in all this.
Superb sharing! This is the kind of honesty that makes any reader look inside towards the state of his own soul.
As for myself, I haven’t felt my passion as something driving me (as I did when I was a young Christian when I did all those things for God). But the passion is there, kind of more sustaining me. The journey to be a blessing is a journey of continual transformation (which means: to receive blessings). The emphasis then is more on who you are than on what you do. Ministry is being in community, in transformative relationships. We have to reveal God’s truth in us, and it is more multi-faceted than we might think. You have just ministered in a significant way through this post, and you will minister to your Thai friends.
Hope you’ll get to discern your passion (is perhaps a different way than before, but that’s what continual transformation might do to you — in some ways you’re closer to Jesus somehow!)
Greetings from PA,
Your posting, put me on my knees. I forwarded your post to our pastor, Don Snyder. The following is what he wrote back to me. HIs prayer was Monday AM.
We willl keep praying. If it helps, we all have those feelings when in ministry. Just part of the evil ones attackes. Thanks for sharing, so we can hold you up in prayer. Martha
Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart. It is my 35+ years of ministry experience that passion-less seasons are thorns of the flesh that God does not seem to remove despite my earnest prayer. It is those times however when I depend even more deeply in His grace and move forward living by faith. I’ll be praying.
appreciate your honesty Brook…
I have been there myself in ministry and it is SO frustrating.
Praying for both of you…